Dodge THIS

by

I see here in the paper this morning that the local community school district has banned dodgeball in phys. ed. classes. Someone’s trying hard to introduce activities that level the playing field for the heavier students. Proposed activities include yoga, pilates, cross training, and…wait for it…Dance Dance Revolution video games. I shit you not.

In my experience as a physically active youth, levelling the playing field for heavier kids keeps heavier kids heavy. What’s more, taking out your frustration on dodgeball is misguided. As anyone who’s ever played the game knows, dodgeball is about far more than doing violence to your classmates, though that’s certainly an important aspect of the game. To paraphrase Gordon Gecko, dodgeball is right. Dodgeball works. Dodgeball clarifies, cuts through, and captures the essence of the evolutionary spirit.

Heavy kids need dodgeball, if for nothing more than a final and often painful reminder of the consequences of sloth. Pilates and yoga are all fine and good, but the chemical aroma of a thin yoga mat is never going to inspire you to greatness the way an overinflated red rubber ball to the temple will.

Speaking of cutting through and clarifying, why not just let the heavy kids skip phys. ed. entirely? I mean, it’s probably too late by the time a kid hits kindergarten to expect that they’re going to turn their lives around by attending gym class. Either you’re physically active or you’re not. And if you’re not, you could probably better spend your time working on math homework or practicing your flute.

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