Dear Trick-Or-Treaters:


Just stay the hell home next year.

Seriously.  Save your limited store of physical and creative energy and remain ensconced on the TV room sofa in front of Lost or Laguna Beach or whatever the hell it is you youngsters watch these days.

I used to love Halloween.  All of it.  Brainstorming ideas for my costume, putting it together, and hitting the streets with my pillow case and a steely determination to stay out until that biatch was full to overflowing with candy.  CANDY.  Not apples or pennies or erasers or some other worthless, dentist-friendly crap.

Last night I was, simply, dismayed.  Shocked and dismayed.  Shockmayed?  And I was disappointed.  We had about 20 kids come to the door, and can you guess how many of them said, “Trick or treat?”  Seriously.  Take a stab at it.  I’ll wait.

Wrong.  One.  One damn kid.  And he had to be prompted by his dad to say anything at all!  I’m a tolerant man, but listen, don’t show up at my house on Halloween and just stick out your open bag with the idea that I’m going to top it off with Snickers and Mounds while you stand there like a deaf mute.

“But I’m shy,” you protest.  You’re covered head to toe in a Snow White outfit, you git!  I don’t know you from Eve.  You’ve got exactly one night every year to get out and act like someone else, someone confident, so don’t waste it.  Step up to my door, knock loudly, and when I show up with my candy bowl, yell, “TRICK OR TREAT” like you got a pair!

Or next year, I swear, I’m handing out my special BM Bars. 


2 Responses to “Dear Trick-Or-Treaters:”

  1. picardk Says:

    I totally agree, and what’s with the half-done costumes? A big hat, big glasses, and a bag does not make a costume !

  2. nicheplayer Says:

    Amen. Frankly, I blame the parents. Halloween is a perfect time to see what your kid is made of in the imagination department. Why settle on a store-bought costume? Let’s get junior thinking outside the proverbial box.

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