Why’s it called “The Patriot Act?”

Is it because you don’t have anything to worry about if you’re a true patriot? Is it because the act itself is anthropomorphized as the ultimate patriot, watching guard over the U.S.A. and crushing under its vast weight anyone who seeks to derail this great experiment?

I don’t know. The act hasn’t touched me yet in any way I’m aware of. Still, I have noticed this creepy crawly sensation more often over the last couple years. A clammy, close-the-shades feeling like I’m going to get a letter in the mail or a knock at the door any day now detailing my crimes against the state. And I haven’t even done anything.

I don’t think.